OPINION: A quick plea to the couple who sat behind me

To the lovely couple behind me at my showing of “Nosferatu,” I wonder why you felt the need to share your thoughts so explicitly during and after the movie for all to hear.

I’m not a grumpy person, I don’t mind casual whispers in a movie theater. It’s a social experience, just don’t go nuts. However, when I noticed you two walk in to the movie, 10 minutes after the movie started and sat right behind me to have a casual conversation, I wondered immediately if you two would even enjoy yourselves.

“Nosferatu” isn’t a typical horror movie, with elements of psychosexual dreams and less twitchy than the jumpscare Blumhouse drivel which usually creates good date movies. I’m sure you had no idea, as the two of you began giggling at 1830s period dialogue

Do you even know Robert Eggers, the director of “Nosferatu”? I hope you did, knowing that his other works like “The Witch,” “The Lighthouse” and “The Northman” are some of the best written horror spectacles of an age where this type of indulgence in tone and setting is frowned upon. Maybe you haven’t, and your own expectations cursed you and myself in occupying my visit to the movies.

Yes, in a certain lens, what appears on screen during “Nosferatu” can be interpreted as silly. Bill Skarsgård’s performance as Nosferatu includes him wearing a prosthetic penis, which you two couldn’t help but guffaw at.

But, all film is silly. Performance is dressing up and pretending to be someone we’re not. That’s pretty silly. Without our own ability to suspend our disbelief at what we’re witnessing, we would never be able to appreciate stories and tales.

As I turned around to leave for the bathroom, glancing at you two for what reason I can’t remember other than extreme annoyance, I noticed you two were not only far older than me, but also looking at your phones. Not even giggling away and being the world’s most annoying commentary track could keep your attention to the screen.

I was quite surprised by your appearance. I expect this type of behavior from clueless teenagers, not fully grown adults who are old enough to be my parents. I wondered if this was how I became a grumpy adult, criticizing everyone else instead of trying to enjoy the movie.

Most grumpy people I think aren’t grumpy for no reason. I think most grumpy people feel a deep shame, and want other people to feel the same shame. It’s not out of maliciousness or hatred, they just don’t want to be annoyed.

I should have walked out, asked for a refund, do anything to remove myself from this situation. But, I really did want to enjoy this movie, and I couldn’t stand waiting another week. I should have said something to you then, but I’m quite shy to strangers, especially when they’re older than me.

I’m a big supporter of the idea you can experience a film in any way you want and have mostly the same effect. I spent most of last week’s column explaining just that. But, in the end, I still believe you have to engage with what you’re watching.

At risk of sounding hypocritical, I do believe the way you two chose to experience “Nosferatu” was incorrect. Yet, I have the feeling you didn’t care, as you giggled and laughed at inappropriate times and made jokes to each other which only made you two laugh.

During a very important scene, when Nosferatu bites the chest of another character, did you know you almost made me walk out when you yelled, “He sucking her boobs!”

When you walked out of that theater, I heard you say, “I didn’t know that movie was a comedy!” about nine times louder than you should. I’m at least happy you found it funny.

I wonder if you would have behaved differently if you knew the person in front of you was so irritated by your behavior, he was going to write an extended column criticizing your actions and repeat it to strangers.

But, if I were to do so, what would that make me? As someone who has tried to limit anger throughout my life (I’m quite an awful angry person, shown here as a festering, seething rant in written form), would this fix or solve anything?

Would me professionally ranting to strangers about two people who I never spoke a word to really make me a better human being? It wouldn’t make me enjoy “Nosferatu” more, which I was frankly disappointed in compared to my expectations. Of course, my attention drifted because of two rowdy hyenas seated behind me, and I always enjoyed Eggers’ movies more after the first viewing anyways.

This column, which I place way too much importance in my life, being reduced to a rant, what would that mean? Am I childish to want to slander your behavior? Am I power-hungry by using a slightly elevated platform to complain and whine about you two? There’s very little chance this would even reach you in the first place.

My only hope is that this terrible experience can be salvaged through the published catharsis of my own words.